Archive for December, 2007

High school disappoints once again.

Ten years after having escaped high school – nearly enough time to have overcome the trauma of the whole experience – high school has come back to spank me once again, only this time in the form of a reunion.

First, it must be noted that my high school reunion was at Bubba Gump Shrimp Factory. Really? Yes, really. I could not make this shit up if I tried. Actually, I could – but why? If you have never had the opportunity to have gone to this establishment, I have one word for you. Don’t. It is a pit. A pit that smells of fish – fish smell being one of my top two least favorite smells in the whole wide universe (the other being that awful “Bleach Tree” smell that permeates through West Hollywood. Ewww.) After we all became acclimated to the evil smell, mostly with the help of bunches of liquor, the real fun began. And by “fun” I mean a bunch of drunkies (or perhaps that was just me) going from table to table telling everyone how great they look, how nice it is to see them, and a bunch of other blahs.

After Bubba Gump Shrimp Factory, we went to a placed called the Mai Tai Bar. Two minutes into our arrival, and my friend turned to me and said:

Did you ever think in your life that you would wish that you were back at the Bubba Gump Shrimp Factory?

Genius.

At Mai Tai, more drunkenness happened, and then a decision to engage in some late night dining happened, and then the long drive back home happened (Note: I was not driving. Diet Coke does not endorse drunk driving…or any kind of driving for that matter).

All in all, a total disappointment. Not sure what I expected really, as my high school was never like those newfangled high schools like on TV and in movies where quirky big word using hipster high fashion kids impregnate each other and burst out into song and dance at basketball games. Nope. None of that. Just a bunch of self proclaimed nerds trying to figure it all out. After ten years, it looks like most of us still haven’t.

Somewhat Related Point: If anyone knows anything about what those evil bleach tree’s are, I would love to know.

Less Related Point: At a 5 drunk level, I decided I was going to have a New Years Eve Party (whohoo!). At 10 drunk, I proceeded to invite every one and their mom to my New Years Eve Party (whohoo!). Turns out my New Years Eve Party (whohoo!) may turn into High School Reunion Part Deux.

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Year in Review: Lessons I’ve Leaned Part I.

The year has yet to end, but the inevitable truths keep piling up. I figured I better get a jump on the new year and start my Year In Review with Lessons I’ve Learned, presented in two parts.

Lesson 1: I have an overactive imagination that causes me to think of insane, and sometimes accurate, scenarios

If something happens that is a little odd, I automatically assume that some real strange shit is about to go down. Case in point, last Friday (as in Friday before Christmas when no person in their right mind would share bad news with another person) I get a call from my Boss’s assistant that the Boss wishes to meet with me before the end of the day. This is strange because it has never happened before. True, I have only worked at the fine establishment at which I am employed for a mere two months, but still. Rule of thumb: Big Boss wants to talk, you worry. Plus the whole call had this ominous tone to it (really, it was an email, but whatever). Things that run through my brain (in order): OMGomgomgOMG!!?? I am in big trouble. I am fired. I am going to be reprimanded for reading and occasionally writing blogs at work. I am going to have to work over Christmas. OMGOMGOMG!!! Never did I consider that perhaps it could be something positive. And what was it? Something positive. Conclusion: I am an idiot, and a jumper to negative conclusions and/or extraordinary imaginings.

Second case in point, about a month ago I awake to find my Roomie (aka former Bestie*) has segregated our fridge (literally, we have a side by side and she moved all my stuff to one side and all of her stuff to one side. Strange, yes. True? Sadly, also yes). What do I think? I think of her action as a hostile declaration as to our friendship, her opinion of my choice in milk (I like vanilla soy, she unsweetened almond) and a whole plethora of other bad nasty things. Reality: Err, I was actually kind of on target with this one. While there were excuses made as to why our perishables could not happily co-exist, the truth was more or less what I had imagined. Conclusion: I may be crazy, but sometimes I am right.

Lesson 2: I am a very bad driver.

I actually knew this long before the dawn of the new year. 2007, however, reaffirmed my suspicion. Thirce. Conclusion: Poles, people and pets in the greater Los Angeles area (particularly those along the stretch of Beverly Blvd. from Downtown to Beverly Hills) ought not rest easy until I have earned, won or divorced my way into enough money to hire a driver.

Lesson 3: Most of the things that I have been upset about in 2007 (and in life) are stupid.

Case in point. I shed a good many tears over a certain guy I had dated earlier in the year who was a total jackass. Really. A total jackass. I exaggerate not on this one. Fast forward to now. How often do I think about this guy? Only when I try to reflect on the last year and think about what I learned. Thinking about him doesn’t make me wish that I had never met him. Because the truth is, it was fun – kind of a lot of fun. What I do wish is that after it was over, I had not wasted my energy being sad about it. Such is the case with most things in my life. Conclusion: I cry too much about dumb stuff.

Lesson 4: I am a waster of money.

A few months ago I ordered 40 dollars worth of food from Poquito Mas just so I could get one burrito delivered. If I was a country, I would be one with deficits. Big ones. Conclusion: I am a jackass when it comes to money, and perhaps otherwise too.

Lesson 5: I love parties more than just about anything else.

Really, nothing gets me excited like the notion of a party. Whether it is one that I am planning or merely one that I am attending – I love me the parties. The socializing, the people old and new, the friends, the laughter, the anticipation, the unabashed drunkenness. Yes please, can I have another? Conclusion: I am going to make a concerted effort to attend and host more parties in 2008, starting with a New Years Eve Party (whohoo!).

Lesson 6: I am a lucky daughter of a gun.

Really, thinking of it brings big salty tears to me eyes. Perhaps this is in large part to a lovely weekend I just spend with dear friends and family, but D-A-M-N, I am lucky girl. To have so many people in my life that are as glorious as they are, and to be STILL lucky enough to be meeting new people who may be equally glorious. It’s just so – nice. Any by nice, I mean totally fucking amazingly awesome. Conclusion: No matter what is going wrong, as something inevitably will be at all times, I have to remember the lucky me part.

Part II of lessons learned to follow in time.

* Earlier in the year I wrote an entry discussing the latest in my situation with Roomie and how upset I was about everything that had transpired. I then promptly deleted it because I felt guilty knocking our friendship (or maybe I didn’t want to admit for very long that things are irreparably** damaged). But the more I think about it, the more I remember that the whole point of my starting this blog, and then keeping it anonymous (no person in my day to day life knows of its existence except for Certain Someone) was that so I can write honestly and unafraid of what others think of my thoughts and ideas. If I have to censor myself, that defeats the whole purpose. So even though it still feels a little strange, I am going to go ahead and put it all out there. Again.

** When I say “irreparablydamaged, I am not really sure if I mean it.

Solving world problems one extra period at a time.

BEGIN EMAIL FROM OFFICE ADMIN PERSON

Thursday, December 20, 2007 11:41 AM
To: Diet Coke
Cc: D******
Subject: Time entries

Hi Diet Coke,

In the last 2-3 days your time entries have been using capitals at the beginning of description and periods at the end (this has not happened previously, so I’m not sure why…). Only use capitals for proper nouns and no periods at the end of sentences.

B****.

END EMAIL FROM OFFICE ADMIN PERSON

My favorite things about the above email are as follows:

1. My egregious use of “capitals at the beginning of description and periods at the end” is so bad, so insidious, so naughty and against nature that it was necessary to cc one of the higher up’s at the fine establishment at which I am employed.

2. I mean…really? REALLY?!??!!!111!! This is what the office admin persons does? Scrutinize my time entries for capitalization and punctuation misdeeds. Absurd. I am all for people “just doing their jobs”, but some jobs are just stupid. And I can’t support stupidity (unless, of course, it is my own). There must be more important tasks that need addressing. Like arranging the paper clips by color. Or counting the sheets of paper in a ream to make in sure that there really are 500 of them and those bastards at Kelly Paper aren’t skimming off the top. I’m just saying.

3. The implication that Office Admin Person did a little background check into my previous time entries to ensure that this is a new problem, and not one that has been ongoing and just went unnoticed. And the ” so I’m not sure why…” which implies something like “I don’t know what circumstance has changed in your personal life that is causing you to be so absentminded all of a sudden, but whatever is going on, it is affecting your work ethic, and I don’t like it. I am bringing this matter to your attention before it spirals out of control. Thank you for your cooperation.”

Office Admin Person, I say to you this. Because I happen to be total pussy, I will follow your stupid punctuation/capitalization rules. But damn it, I won’t be happy about it! And also, Merry Christmas.

My maybe stalker.

About one point two five months ago I went out with this guy that I had met at a bookstore. Not just any bookstore either. I met him at my FAVORITE bookstore in Los Angeles.

Note to the Ladies before I continue my story: Don’t go out with guys that you meet at your favorite places because when things go badly, as they are likely to go, you can’t go to that place without a sense of fear that you will run into the person. I know it is temping to think, “I like X bookstore…he likes X bookstore – match made in heaven.” NO, such reasoning is faulty. What you really should be thinking is “I like X bookstore…I am not likely to like him for more than 9 minutes because he is probably crazy, thus I should not taint the pleasure I derive from X bookstore by using it as my own personal match.com substitute.” Unless of course, the guy in question is exceedingly hot. In which case, carry on. There are other bookstores in the world.

Back to my story.

So I went out with Book Guy. It was one of those innocuous are we or aren’t we on a date type dates – coffee across the street from the scene of the meeting. During our kinda date, he employed the oft used second date entrapment technique.

Note to the Men before I continue my story: While the making of a second date while still on the first date tactic can go swimmingly well if the subject is into you, such a maneuver should only be employed by the most skillful dating master. It is likely that unless the person you are with is a total raging bitch (which is entirely possible), you will get an acceptance under duress. HOWEVER, such acceptance is likely actually a rejection. Confusing, I know. But the nut of it is, if you ask a girl out on a second date and she says yes while sitting across the table on your first date, don’t get your feelings all hurt if she never answers any of your phone calls, text msgs, etc., etc.

Back to my story again.

I fell into the trap. I said yes – all the while thinking “no way in hell I am going out with you again because as it turns you, you are really annoying me.” Sadly, Book Guy was not so tuned into my reluctant, “ummm, sure.” He tried for like a month to make a second date happen. At first, I would make up excuses (all via text) why I could not. Finally, I just gave up and stopped replying to his advances all together, thinking – surely he will get the point. And at first, he did. And then he didn’t anymore.

Starting a few nights ago Book Guy (who is also incidentally also grad student at UCS guy) has adopted a new technique that is downright creepy. He left a voicemail that went something like: “Hey, Diet Coke. I haven’t gotten a chance to call you in a while. I am going to be at UCS tonight until 7. How about I just come by after.” Actually, that is verbatim what he said. The problem I have with this message is he speaks as though a) he believes I actually have a desire to see him and b) we have that sort of casual “just swing on by” type relationship. And trust me when I tell you, a) I don’t and b) we don’t. I obviously ignored the message, mostly because it was crazy, but also because I tend to ignore all things I don’t like.

But THEN today, I get the following:

“Diet Coke, what is going on? I left you a msg and you didn’t call me back. I think we have chemistry and I want to see you again.”

Umm, no. Obviously. NO! If we had chemistry, we’d have gone out more than once over the course of the two months. And I’d have returned one of your 18 phone calls instead of sending you to voicemail and then texting you back about how I can’t hang out. And finally, damn you for making it so that I can never return to Book Soup in comfort again.

Oh, high school. How I don’t miss you at all.

My impending ten year high school reunion caused me to reflect back on my life back when I was a young and spry college student (which by the way, was easy to do because I have always kept a journal. Note to world: you should all keep a journal.) And it turns out, my younger self was a total idiot.

This is what Diet Coke thought was what during the college era:

These are totally the best days of my life; it is soooo awful that I got an A- on that economics paper, I will never get into grad school with such dismal grades; school is so stressful, I can’t wait to start working; I am totally going to marry my college boyfriend and we will have kids named Isabella and Conner; I will forever be BFF with the girls in my freshman dorm; I will forever live on the East Coast, because it, like, totally rocks.

And now:

These are actually the best days of my life. It turns out every year gets to be the best. Totally got into grad school, which it turns out, I wish that I never went to in the first place. School rocks. I would go back in a nanosecond. I dumped my college boyfriend basically as soon as I left my college campus. Connor is the worst boys name ever. I am good friends with about two people I went to college with. Neither of whom lived in my freshman dorm. Los Angeles is where it is at. The East Coast, western Massachusetts in particular, like, totally blows. And also, “seasons” are total overrated.

I don’t know why this is significant. But basically, the point is my high school reunion is coming up people! And I am getting old. And it is NOT okay!!! And also, I will soon get a chance to reunite with my favorite group of nerdy, awesome drunkards and be merry and wasted (and old).

Rediscovery.

Every once in a while I rediscover something that I used to love and then forgot all about. Probably, as I do with most things, I ate/played/used/did it infinity times in a row until the very thought of it made me want to do something bad to my myself and/or others. And then a certain amount of time passes and then like magic, that long forgotten/shunned thing pops back into my life. And I can’t imagine why in the world I would have shelved such a glorious thing in the first place, because basically, it’s so fucking awesome.

Today, I made two such rediscoveries.

First: The Turkey Sandwich. Simple. Amazing. Healthy-esq. Will likely be my lunch and dinner for the next four to eight days.

Second: Ocean Breaths Salty by Modest Mouse. What an excellent song. Probably not top ten style, but if it should ever play on the radio, I promise the tuner will not be messed with. And if anyone I am with even comes NEAR the tuner, such person will lose .02 points on the “How Much Does Diet Coke Like X Person?” scale.

Also, does anyone still say “tuner” when referring to the radio channel changer? Why am I sounding like a 60 year old all of a sudden?

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I’ll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye.
When the earth folded on itself.
And said “Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.”
You wasted life, why wouldn’t you waste death?

One of my top five days.

If anyone should ever ask me about the highlights of 2007 (not that I am frequently – or perhaps ever – asked such question) I would, without hesitation, site today as one of best days of the year. For starters, it was a lovely, sunny and astonishingly clear day in Los Angeles. I had the pleasure of waking up at my parents home beside my absurdly cute dog, having gone there last night for some loving comfort after a tumultuous Saturday. I left my parents house early to head home and prepare for my hosting duties for the afternoon adopt a family charity bonanza I had been planning. I drove from my parents house on the west side to my own place in Hollywood in 12 minutes flat. On a typical day, I can’t even get from my house to the nearest gas station in so short a time. Best of all, my favoritest song of all time, Jeff Buckley’s “Lover, you should have come over” was playing on the radio during the ride. Sure, I have the actual CD in my car [which, by the way, is one of my top five albums] but there is something extra special about hearing a song on the radio sometimes. After arriving home, I was Captain Efficiency and got the place together with time to spare. When the guests started arriving, it was sheer, unadulterated, mimosa aided joy. Five hours of do-gooding and chatting with a glorious group of people about hilarious things. Like for example, the male tendency to pee on things when drunk. Fellas, can you please explain, because us ladies are perplexed. I laughed so much, it re-ignighted my whooping cough, which had briefly abated.

Today was one of those days that reminded me how awesome life, mine in particular, is. To all the people who made my today so gloriously lovely, each of whom is nearly sure to never read this, I am so grateful. And thank you!!!

Included for your viewing pleasure is a small sample of the gift giving/wrapping action that took place today. Hooray for bows and pretty sparkle paper!!!