Archive for February, 2008

Irrefutable signs that the world is ending.

The Philosopher has made contact. Or rather, I should say The Philosopher has responded to contact made by me. I know, I know – I ought not to have contacted him after I *specifically* told HIM to call me. But I texted, so it’s cool. Actually, it is juvenile and silly. But then so am I, so it is also fitting. Anyhow, dice it how you will, but contact was made. And what resulting was a reaffirmation of what I already know. Aristotle Boy (his new, less regal title) is NOT interested.

The textversation (conversation via text) went a little something like this (actually, nothing like this, but you get the gist):

Me:: Hi.
Him:: Hi.
Me:: When are we hanging out again?
Him:: I totally want to hang out again. BUT – I am basically busy for the next millennium so let’s just keep in touch mm, k? And if I ever free up – which I won’t – I will let you know.
Me:: Umm, ok.

So yeah, there you have it. I got the “don’t call me, I’ll call you” brushoff.*

Also, I think the world has gone mad (and not only because Aristotle Boy doesn’t like awesome me) but also, I was in the lounge today and overheard the following:

Person #1:: I really want to go see There Will Be Blood. I heard that Daniel Day Lewis is amazing in it.
Person #2:: Yeah, he is. The movie itself is just okay**, but he really makes it worth watching.
Person #1:: Yeah, he is like Will Smith. He really just shines in every movie.

Did someone just compare Daniel Day – billion Oscar winning, My Left Foot, Last of the Mohicans and In the Name of the Father starring – Lewis to Will “mother effing Welcome to Miami and Independence Day” Smith? Yes. Someone mother effing did. Like I said, mad world.

And finally, I can hear a frog outside my window. I live in Hancock Park. Not the jungle or where ever it is frogs are founds. And no, I am not on shrooms.

* I thought about whether I would have preferred Aristotle Boy simply not having responded to my text, and the truth is, I’m glad he did. Even though he didn’t say what I wanted (rat bastard), at least there is a sense of finality to the whole thing now. Kind of.

** Totally false. The movie is awesome.

Not a date type event.

So begins another round of self imposed mania. I tell myself every time I meet someone new that this type of hysteria is to be avoided – as it leads only to bad outcomes. But it seems that after 28 years, certain behaviors are ingrained and can not be quelled, despite my greatest efforts.

I recently met someone new whilst at dinner with some friends. He shall be known heretofore as The Philosopher. Why? Well, because for better or worse that is what he is. Personally, I think it is pretty neat, but probably only because I know nothing of the subject matter. And I tend to think most things I know nothing about are neat.

The Not a Date:: The food itself was pretty blah, but the company was quite good. Conversation flow was steady and strong. Laughter was engaged in. Small flirtations were exchanged. After dinner, we went out for more drinks at The Philosopher’s suggestion (or at least I think it was his suggestion). Not only that, but we closed the bar down. Again, to be taken as a good sign in Diet Coke’s Book of Dating (or Not Dating, in this instance). Assuming such a book actually existed. Which it should.

The Goodbye:: Slightly awkward. No psychical contact attempted. The Philosopher stated that he had had a nice time. I reiterated. He suggested I call him. I suggested he call me instead because I suck at phone talkage/usage.

The Aftermath:: 1 A.D. (1 day After Date (or Not a Date)) I received an email from The Philosopher to the effect of “hey, had a really good time, you are awesome, let’s talk soon.” Ok, so I made up the “you are awesome”, but that is what it should have said. 2 A.D., I wrote back that I too had a really good time, and that we should hang out again. And since then? NOTHING!!! No email. No call. No nada. This is bullshit, I say! Am I overrating given the time frame? Yes, clearly. And yet, this is bullshit, I say!

To be continued…

I actually wrote the above post yesterday, making it several days now with no contact. The thing is, it is not so much that I am broken over the lack of contact from The Philosopher (maybe a little disappointed), but it literally did not occur to me that there was a possibly that he wasn’t into me. And yet, he is not into me. Reality check. Ugh. Reality blows donkey’s behinds. I need a break from reality. And from boys too probably.

Car accidents and other stuff.

1:: About a week ago I hit (a love tap, really) a car in the parking garage at work. It was only half my fault, but of course no one believes that because I have been ordained worst driver in the history of the universe. The car I hit, was of course, parked. Because who doesn’t find parked cars really hard to avoid sometimes? So anyhow, once I hit the car, I threw a total (internal – mostly) temper tantrum.

The temper tantrum consisted of three stages: (A) FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! This is the seventh car I have hit in as many months. I am so going to lose my insurance. I am such an asshole. Someone stab my face off with a fork. (B) THAT ASSHOLE PARKED LIKE A TOTAL ASSHOLE! That car is totally at fault for parking like such a jerk. Damn him and his stupid expensive looking Audi. Damn him to eternal car damnnationville! (C) WOE IS ME!!! Why can’t I catch a break? First the Evil Troll situation and now THIS?!?! WHY GOD WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO??!?!!

The whole thing took about 90 seconds. Then I left a note and headed home (stopping at taco bell on the way for a double decker with sour cream – you know, comfort food)

Next day, I awaited anxiously for the guy (I don’t know why I assume it is a guy, but I do) to call. No call came. Still feeling guilty, thinking maybe the guy didn’t get my note, I left another note. Now, several days had passed – and STILL NO CALL!!!

So I think maybe the guy doesn’t care that I hit his car? Which would be awesome.

2:: There is this lady who uses the bathroom on my floor (and by “my floor” I mean the floor on which my office is situated) that is totally bat shit crazy (or just really vain). I see her in there all the time literally starring at herself and playing with her hair. This morning, she was in there with a gigante bottle of hair spray going to town on herself. She was spraying like mad woman from the moment I entered until the moment I departed (approx 2.5 minutes). That was 9:05 a. It is now 3:03 p and it still reeks of her hair spray.

To crazy bat shit mad hair spray woman, I beg you, please stop.

3:: Evil Troll FINALLY moved out. God Bless America. Democrats and Republics alike.

4:: I am on a baked potato eating frenzy. Two lunches in a row now, and there is a 70 percent chance of another tomorrow.

5:: This makes my head explode.

6:: Certain Someone and I are no more. I mean, individually, we still exist. He just no longer happens to be my Certain Someone, I suppose. Sad.

Boo hoo :(

I feel inexplicably, unrelentingly down today. No thing has happened that rises to the badness that I am feeling, but I can’t shake this feeling of gloom and doom. Or is that two feelings? I don’t know. I don’t know anything 😦 Except that I have presentation tomorrow that I don’t want to make, and that I am not prepared for, and then I will suck at 😦

I suck at life.

Making things up.

Beginning back in my college days I had a friend with whom I had a very special connection. We were friends in real life too, but mostly we just liked to email each other long, often hilarious, and sometimes inane opuses (opi?) about everything and nothing. Once I started law school, we slowly fell out of touch because 1) that is what happens with the passage of time and 2) he had a really contentious relationship with this girl who I was friends with which made my friendship with him strained. His name (real name) was Lucas Garcia. There are probably a billion such Lucas Garcia named men out there, but if one day you – the Lucas Garcia of United States Naval Academy fame – google stalk yourself and come upon this, email me. I am curious to know how you are. And if you are still alive.

I bring Lucas up because he and I used to have these long (like trillions of words exchanged) conversations about life, love, death, humor, fear, etc. One time we were talking about words, how they take hold and gain popularity and become part of life. We decided to make up our own word. The word: Dafic. The meaning: One of those types of conversations/experiences that makes you think you just discovered something amazing or unlocked one of life’s many mysteries, even if briefly.

I love that word. I am sad that no one uses it.

I also think there are two other words that need to be added to the English vernacular.
First:: Something representing a conversation that has taken place over email. I nominate eversation.

Second:: Amn’t. As in “am not.”

Energy Boost/Bust FRS Style

I am really into grocery stores and the myriad of items contained therein. I like that at a grocery store, unlike my preferred shopping destination [Saks Fifth Avenue], I can purchase items with reckless abandon. I need not have any regard for prices, sales, etc. My buying power at the grocery store is infinity – and it feels neat. It is natural then, that I am a reader of hungry-girl.com, who shares with grocery obsessed readers like myself glorious new items that can be found on your local market shelves. Now Ms. Hungry (or whomever she is) has been touting an energy beverage/weight management system called FRS. I don’t know if she is in cahoots with the company, but they happen to be offering a free sample to users on her web site.

Being a fan of Ms. Hungry, free stuff, and energy I placed my order last week. Imagine my excitement when my box arrived on Saturday. And imagine my further excitement when I decided that I was going to give the whole system a test go today and share my thoughts with you, my dear readers.

9:30:: The experiment begins. I started with the FRS Plus low calorie liquid concentrate. It claims to be an “antioxidant health drink for sustained energy and performance.” Sounds good, plus its only 20 calories a serving. If you like lemon/lime emergen c, you are likely to enjoy this. There isn’t the fun of watching the fizz that comes with emergen, but the taste is pretty similar. FRS has a stronger flavor and a little bit of an icky aftertaste, but I kind of like it. Because I am strange like that. Also, the beverage is VERY bright (think sunny delight on even more food coloring), which does freak me out a tad. No noted energy boost as of yet, but the beverage was only just consumed. I will report back in the afternoon. On Monday, I am usually a sluggish useless employee. If that is otherwise today, FRS Plus is probably doing its job.

10:15:: I left my office for a meeting, leaving behind my energy boost libation. Learned a very important lesson. Do not allow FRS plus to sit idol for too long. Bad things happen. As to energy, I am not falling asleep, so that is good. I am however, blogging instead of working, which is not good.

12:26:: Just picked up lunch. I am not starving yet to the point of wanting to eat my thumb, which is unusual. FRS also makes claims of being a weight management system, so my non-starvation may be a result of their product. BTW – the baked potato I got from Brighton Coffee Shop in Beverly Hills is delicious.

1:42:: The delicious and inorganically large baked potato I ate for lunch is sitting like a brick in my belly. Feeling sluggish. Time for another boost of energy. This time, I am trying the FRS Plus low calorie antioxidant health drink in wild berry flavor. This is supposed to delivery sustained energy and enhance mental focus. At the current time, it is merely enhancing my gag reflex. This stuff taste b-a-d. Good thing this was free because it is going in the trash.

2:23:: Since the wild berry was a bust, I turned instead to the FRS Antioxidant Health Chews. Health eeeewww is more like it. Like the beverage before it, it tastes bad. Each one has 15 calories too! Although I guess the good part of it tasting bad is that I won’t be tempted to eat them all willy nilly. I must say though, I do feel a little energetic. Not like I want to go for a run or anything crazy like that, but my eyes are not glazing over as they normally would this time on a Monday. The 4 o’clock to 6 o’clock hour is the real test. Usually around that time I am suicidal with munchies and sleepies.

3:35:: I am starting to feel slightly jittery (like when one drinks too much caffeine). But, I am neither hungry nor sleepy, so that is good. Also, I’ve only had one diet coke thus far today. Since my employer offers them ice cold and free, I’ve been drinking like 4 a day. One is a vast improvement. [Note: if this all works out, I may soon become FRS and a side of fries because I am trying to give up the Diet Coke.]

5:19:: Diet Coke be huuungry. I don’t know whether to reach for another chew or a kit kat bar.

5:57:: Went for another chew instead of the kit kat bar. Such discipline! I feel a little better. I feel good actually. No jitters and no hunger. I am also still currently motivated to hit the gym tonight (I brought my gym cloths to work so as to avoid my usual routine of being motivated, going home to change, and then never leaving the comfort of my couch). Plan is to do 60 mins of serious ass busting, sweat inducing cardio.

10:37:: I went to the gym and had a pretty decent workout. I am now home, and have a little more energy than I need at this time of night!

Overall, FRS taste like crap, but it seems to do something. What that something is, I am not quite sure.

My ultimate superpower.

I’ve long had a fascination with super powers. Being an only daughter, I was never exposed to comic books growing, and so I attribute my interest [obsession] to Evie Garland and her time stopping powers on Out of this World. I distinctly remember one time having to study for a history [or “Social Studies” as it was called then] test and thinking long and hard about how well I could do on the test if only I could stop time and study for an extra five hours. Yes folks, I was a school nerd even then.

For years following my discovery of Evie, every piece of coinage I ever tossed into a wishing pond asked that I be granted a super power [before that, I used to wish my Teddy Rupskin** would come alive. Now I wish for either “eternal happiness,” whatever the fuck means, or immortality. I clearly had/have issues]. Back then, time stoppage or invisibility seemed the best power. While they clearly both have merit, I came to a firm decision a few years ago that I’d rather have the ability to teleport.

Imagine it. No sitting in traffic – ever. Need an outfit to wear on a date? No probs. Just teleport your outfit needing tush into your local Marc Jacobs store and whalah, a new outfit is yours (you can return said outfit via teleportation post date so as to not be a thief). Feeling like pasta for dinner? Why not have it in Rome? Who needs a hotel when you can always teleport back to the comfort of your own bed. Really, the possibilities are boundless.

Certain was I that teleportation was the bee’s knees. UNTIL – the following happened last Saturday. Certain Someone and I were sitting in the Arclight pre-movie when the topic of milk shakes arose. Our movie didn’t start until 10:30, so we were in need of a late night milk shake spot. We thought of a few [translation: I thought of one], but it was certain to be too much of a cluster fuck on a Saturday eve. I looked around the full theater and thought, surely, someone in here must know a nice place to get a late night milkshake.

And then it occurred to me what a phenomenal superpower I had happened upon [probably, some zany x-man out there can already do this, but its new to me!] My power would be having the ability to put a thought in people’s heads and hear their response to that thought. Work with me here: I get everyone in the theater to think “milk shake” and certainly someone would think, “wow, I could really use a milk shake tonight, good thing [X] is awesome and open late.”**** Brilliant! It is like having your own person google search, wikipedia, and citysearch all rolled up into one, all using the brain power of the people around you. Plus, imagine the hilarity in being able to get a room full of people think of the same absurd thing all at once. Endless entertainment. Example: you are in a conference room with a bunch of people negotiating a deal, when all of a sudden, the opposing counsel can’t get the thought of Mitt Romney in his underwear our of their head. Priceless? Yes, yes it is.

An earthling’s a creature who is plain as can be
He’s not as unique as you or me
His body comes in lots of different shapes
They say his relatives were chimps and apes
But if you take my advice for what it’s worth
You could be happy there on earth

** Interesting story about my beloved Teddy Rupskin. I received Mr. Rupskin (or Ruxpin as I called him) as a birthday present. On the day of my actually birthday party, he went missing. My dad had this friend back then who was a guru/intuitive named Garg. In an attempt to ease my sobbing (aka shut me up – my dad is not a patient man) he called him an asked him to talk to me. Garg asked me to name a number. I called 18. He told me that my teddy was where the dirty things go. I proceeded to ransack the house. I found teddy in the laundry bin in my room. Both creepy and awesome.

**** Last night I finally got my milk shake at a place called Milk on Beverly near Pointsetta. And let me tell you, it was both over priced and overrated. I could only take two sips before I felt as though my stomach might explode. Not impressed. Still need to find me a delish milk shake.