Archive for the 'bad smell' Category

Gym People. They scare me.

I recently joined a new Fancy Pants Gym [where I am paying astro-fucking-nomical monthly dues] under the guise that THIS is the most convenient gym for me to attend. Thus, despite my umpteen other various gym related memberships, joining THIS gym will cause me to actually work out, resulting in my becoming a skinny Diet Coke, as opposed a pleasantlyish plump Diet Coke.
Unfortunately, however, there are few problems with my new plan.

Problem #1:: I fucking hate the gym. Because 1) the gym makes you sweaty and tired [and not in a good way], 2) pleasantlyish plump people such as myself don’t look hot in gym clothes [no matter how awesome Lululemon makes their damn pants] and 3) gyms are gross.

Problem #2:: Fancy Pants Gym is worst than most because 99% of the people defy nature and are gorgeous while working out. I am not one of these 99% percent. This makes me feel like a failure. [Addendum 1:: This turns out not to be so much of a problem. While I am not trying to pick anyone up at the gym, having lots of cute boys around ain’t so bad.]

Problem #3:: Fancy Pants Gym, despite the aforementioned astro-fucking-nomical monthly dues, does not have enough tvs. How am I expected to get anything done without watching tv? This isn’t the third world people. One tv per person at ALL TIMES. Thems the rules. [Addendum 2:: This is totally false. I must not have noticed on my walk through, but the place has shit loads of TV. So many in fact, that no matter where I looked tonight, all I could see was the Lakers sucking.]
Problem #4:: People I know work out at Fancy Pants Gym. I do like the notion of looking not hot in gym clothes while being sweaty and tired in front of people I know. I bet it is not that awesome for them either.

Problem #5:: I suck at working out. From afar, it may look like I am doing awesome. You will often find me dripping sweat on a treadmill while seemingly running my tush off. A closer look, however, will reveal that my “sprinting” is the result of the treadmill only moving at 4.3 miles per hour. I don’t really get how that is possible either. I am an enigma.

And STILL, despite all the problems, I am off to the gym. Right….NOW. God bless me.

[Addendum 3:: Done working out. Feeling kind of awesome.]

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High school disappoints once again.

Ten years after having escaped high school – nearly enough time to have overcome the trauma of the whole experience – high school has come back to spank me once again, only this time in the form of a reunion.

First, it must be noted that my high school reunion was at Bubba Gump Shrimp Factory. Really? Yes, really. I could not make this shit up if I tried. Actually, I could – but why? If you have never had the opportunity to have gone to this establishment, I have one word for you. Don’t. It is a pit. A pit that smells of fish – fish smell being one of my top two least favorite smells in the whole wide universe (the other being that awful “Bleach Tree” smell that permeates through West Hollywood. Ewww.) After we all became acclimated to the evil smell, mostly with the help of bunches of liquor, the real fun began. And by “fun” I mean a bunch of drunkies (or perhaps that was just me) going from table to table telling everyone how great they look, how nice it is to see them, and a bunch of other blahs.

After Bubba Gump Shrimp Factory, we went to a placed called the Mai Tai Bar. Two minutes into our arrival, and my friend turned to me and said:

Did you ever think in your life that you would wish that you were back at the Bubba Gump Shrimp Factory?

Genius.

At Mai Tai, more drunkenness happened, and then a decision to engage in some late night dining happened, and then the long drive back home happened (Note: I was not driving. Diet Coke does not endorse drunk driving…or any kind of driving for that matter).

All in all, a total disappointment. Not sure what I expected really, as my high school was never like those newfangled high schools like on TV and in movies where quirky big word using hipster high fashion kids impregnate each other and burst out into song and dance at basketball games. Nope. None of that. Just a bunch of self proclaimed nerds trying to figure it all out. After ten years, it looks like most of us still haven’t.

Somewhat Related Point: If anyone knows anything about what those evil bleach tree’s are, I would love to know.

Less Related Point: At a 5 drunk level, I decided I was going to have a New Years Eve Party (whohoo!). At 10 drunk, I proceeded to invite every one and their mom to my New Years Eve Party (whohoo!). Turns out my New Years Eve Party (whohoo!) may turn into High School Reunion Part Deux.


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dietcokeandasideoffries@gmail.com

loving, living, driving (badly), laughing, growing, losing, crying, smiling, winning, learning, watching tv, calorie counting and thriving. in LA.

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