Archive for the 'boys' Category

Thanksgiving in Las Vegas.

My family, unable to suppress the degenerate gambler gene, decided that an appropriate place to spend the Thanksgiving holiday was in Las Vegas.  Funny that after the countless hugely entertaining trips I have taken to Vegas with my friends – drinking myself into oblivious and doing other things I wouldn’t blog about [yes, there are things I don’t blog about, amazingly] – that this trip with my parents might be the most fun I have had there.  [Although the time I threw a semi-douchbag’s shoe off the top of a hotel’s rooftop bar was pretty awesome…and admittedly unsafe/stupid*]

Upon reaching Vegas, despite the exhaustion I was feeling over the four hour plus drive that commenced at 5am, I made a bee-line for the poker room, where I remained [sans food, rest, or bathroom break] for a solid seven hours.  Unable to stave off my growling stomach any longer, I pried myself away from the table even though I was getting ridiculously good cards all night.  After I filled my belly, sleepiness prevailed and I headed for the comfort of my room.

I had been asleep only a few hours when my mom rushed into the room in an excited frenzy, shouting about my getting out of bed and us going out for Midnight Madness. Midnight Madness [as per the Bellagio blackjack  dealer that had become my mom’s new BFF] turned out to be an early bird sale at the Primm Outlets, some 40 miles south of Las Vegas.  Next thing I know, me, my mom, and a couple dozen Korea ladies [also apparently my mom’s new BFFs from the blackjack tables] were in a hotel shuttle, in route to the madness.

I used to think that people who would rise at the crack of dawn for a sale [for any reason, really] were crazies, but now I totally get it.  Before the sun had come up I had already scored sweet deals on a Versace  dress [seriously, $49.99 for a dress that was $2,600!!!!!], a Marc Jacobs bag,  three Nanette Lepore dresses, and an amazingly heavenly cashmere wrap.  Madness, indeed.

I slept through much of the next day, only to promptly return to the poker room upon arising.  Shortly after I had comfortably posted up at a 3-6 limit table, a gentleman [hereinafter, G-male] arrived.  I call him a gentleman because he truly was – he ordered tea amidst a table full of jack & coke and vodka soda’s, for one thing.  But he also had an exceedingly polite and kind demeanor.  Anyhow, I dug him.  In the real world, he would have scored a seven on my interest scale.  But poker playing guys are hot to me [unless they suck].  And the geek-lover in me really took interest upon learning that he works at Google – devising the algorithm that determines which ads go where.

After several hours (I am talking a LOT of hours) of playing poker beside me, G-male departed to meet up with his friends.  But not before giving me his information and letting me know that if I am ever in San Francisco, I should get in touch with him because he would “love to show me around town.”  I certainly have no expectation of seeing G-male again, but spending the better part of the day playing with him totally made me giddy.

Shortly after G-male left, I too took off [my butt was starting to ache and I was supposed to meet up with my parents for a late dinner].  As I headed back into the main casino, I heard someone call my name.  I turned around to find Shaggy Hair Boy.  I had known that Shaggy Haired Boy was spending the weekend with his roommate’s family who lived in town, but the meeting was totally unexpected and I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe the universe was trying to send me a sign.  The sign being, obviously, that I needed to make out with Shaggy Haired Boy.

Having already had a full day and being borderline late for my meeting with my parents, I decided that I would explore this further back in Los Angeles.

* He limped around on one foot all night and managed to be a total trooper about it, hence his only being a semi-douchbag as opposed to a full fledged one.

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Hello, whale.

1:: On Sunday, I woke up early.

2:: I boarded a boat with my oldest [in terms of friendship length] and possibly craziest friend [for real, crazy.  but in an awesome way], plus several of her friends.

3:: And a lot of alcohol.

4::
I was feeling quite nervous because there was a boy on the boat I had previously dated [I use dated very loosely here] – and being bikini clad on a boat with booze and a guy that I used to like [who is kind of an irresistible jerk] is the kind of situation that is trouble for me.

5:: I was also feeling generally distressed because I still need to figure out where the hell I am going to live.

6:: And work has been brutal.

7:: And my car’s stupid “check engine” light keeps staring me down.

7.5:: And the devil Time Warner is accusing me of not returning a cable box that I so totally returned.

8::And I shouldn’t have eaten that cookie.

9:: And did I look ok in my bikini?

10:: Then a giant blue whale [seemingly bigger than our boat, which was 52 feet!] came out of nowhere and leaped up out of the water within what seemed like [but was not] arms distance.*

11:: I think it was trying to tell me to stop thinking so hard and worrying so much about all the nonsense and just enjoy the day and my pretty damn sweet life.

12:: The message was received.

13:: I ended up having am amazing day.

14:: While resisting the troublesome boy.

15:: And now have an awesome tan to show for it.

All in all, a top ten kind of day.

* Seeing the whale is maybe one of the cooler nature type things I have seen
in my life.  it was fucking HUGE!

Win some, lose some.

On Sunday, I kissed a pair of fancy shoes hello when Fancy Shoes returned my purple patent leather platform heels [yum].   Today, I kissed Fancy Shoes [figuratively] goodbye when our relationship came to an official close [we remain friends, I’m just being dramatic].
It is sad in the way that the end of anything good is sad.  I feel sad when I finish a cupcake, for example.  But Fancy Shoes was, in many ways, better than a cupcake [maybe not a Magnolia cupcake, but still].  He was good company and reasonable and easy to hang out with and he didn’t get mad at me when I drank too much [or mad ever, really].  All of those were good qualities.  And plus, it was very nice having a regular “thing,” if you will.  I don’t mean just physically, but you know, the routine  of it all.  Fancy Shoes will be missed.  Stay gold, Fancy Shoes.  [Hello, Outsiders!]
But on the other hand, it is happy, because it was time and it was inevitable.*   And also [perhaps mostly], because my elevator crush recently suggested that we grab after-work drinks.  And even though I said no because I felt like I had to say no, I kind of wanted to say yes.  And now I can [but actually, I won’t say yes, because my friend pointed out that he has total douchebaggery written all over his fancy pinstrip pants PLUS he is an agent – so double no, which is too bad because I would have had a Fancy Pants to talk about!].  Anyhow, my point is that things feel exciting again.
I think there was even a lesson::
1:: No more dating guys who read my blog.  Ever.  It is awkward, and worse, my blog suffers because of it.  I could of told some funny slightly exagerated stories had it not been for Fancy’s awareness of this here blog.
* Too many “ands,” I know.  Can’t help myself today.

Overheard at my backyard BBQ

I hosted a BBQ this weekend for friends, family and a few randoms. One such random, a woman I will call Jane Doe Crazy told the following dating/female insanity tale::
Jane dated a guy on an off for some two years. During the course of these years, she broke up with him AT LEAST TEN TIMES!!! [Note:: After four break-up’s, perhaps one should stick a fork in it. Rule to live by.] She likened her ex-boyfriend to a booger that she simply could not flick off her finger. After their last break-up, she decided that the best thing for her to do to end the cycle was to find him a new gal. [Note:: The best way to end the cycle is to just end the fucking cycle already! Perhaps easier said than done…but by break-up five or six or seven or eight…grow some self restraint Ladies!!!].
Jane then did what no self-respecting ex-girlfriend would do:: She posted a Craigslist ad on behalf of her ex asking the Ladies of the Interwebs to take him off her hands. She read us this ad, and it was just about as batshit as you could expect…and loooong. She mostly touts the ex’s good qualities [bedroom skills, well-endowed, kind, sweet, gentle and generous (these qualities all seem somehow related)] but then filled in the rest with non-veiled jabs about all the ways in which her ex failed her [he is a big democrat – apparently this is a really bad thing].
At this point I am thinking:: What the eff? This chick clearly is in luurve with the her ex still. This will end badly.
It turned out, one lonely Lady of the Interwebs saw this ad and was intrigued. What’s more, Jane’s boyfriend was intrigued back. So Jane’s ex ended up going out on a date with the woman Jane found him via an angry CL revenge ad.
Oh, but wait! It gets better!!!
Several weeks pass, and Jane and her ex are not back together. Jane decided at this point that she must return his stuff at once! [Note:: Ladies, if you have dated a guy for a longish period of time, you can totally keep the “stuff”. You’ve earned it. Also, said “stuff” can not under ANY CIRCUMSTANCE be used as an excuse to see the ex.] She packs up his junk and heads over to his place unannounced. Upon her arrival, she reports that she hears “the giggling of some vapid girl” and so she leaves his stuff on the doorstep and heads home. [Note:: OMG, Ladies, do NOT leave “stuff” on doorway and head home unless this was discussed ahead of time. So creepy. And also, if the “stuff” is so unimportant that it can be left on a Los Angeles doorstep, just throw/gift the shit away and move on.]
THEN – as if this isn’t bad enough – Jane remembered that her ex had some of her stuff that she. had. to. get. back. or. else. So what does she do? What any completely unreasonable semi-stalking ex-girlfriend would do:: she uses the key she still has of his to go to his house the following morning to retrieve her stuff…without telling him of course.
The following morning’s trespass revealed that Jane’s ex had a new woman in his life – and in his bed. And not just any woman, it was THE Lady of the Interwebs that Jane had found for him on craigslist. Upon making this discovery, Jane reported that she said “I really wish you two the best of luck,” tossed ex’s key at the Lady of the Interwebs and said “here, he will probably want you to have this,” laughed, finished retrieving her very. important. stuff. and then left.
The most astonishing part of all is that my fellow listeners seemed to think that this fiasco meant that ex is an ass, the Lady of the Interwebs a whore/bitch, and is Jane hilarious.
But really??!?! WTF. Jane’s ex is well within the Diet Coke Dating Rules to be dating someone else post break-up, never mind someone that Jane practically forced on him. Plus, the Lady of the Interwebs is not a bitch/whore merely for dating a man that once dated Jane!! I mean, gosh, she is just looking for love like the rest of us [granted, maybe in more unconventional places] AND AND AND, Jane used a key she ought not have kept to break into her ex’s house! How is this funny? If one of my ex’s came into my house unannounced to collect some possessions, I would call the po-po. And finally, why post an ad for an ex if you don’t want to the ex to date someone else??!?!?! HELLOOO?????
Lesson Learned:: If you ever come up with a cockamamie plan to get at your ex, remember:: STOP! NO!! DON’T DO IT!! THAT IS A BAD BAD BAD IDEA!!!  Because if you don’t, you will recount your cringe inducing tale to strangers at a BBQ and folks will think you are is nuts.
I leave you with a random awesome song:: Wild Sweet Orange – Ten Dead Dogs

My Ride.

Last night we had an office party. As with most office parties had by my office, booze were involved. In this instance, a particularly fine champagne selection was on hand. And after Diet Coke, Champagne is very much my favorite liquid to consume [well, that an milk shake]. Which is bad. Especially since at some point last night I knew I would have to get home and somehow also be able to get back to the office bright and early the next morning.

At around 8:30 [maybe?] I called Fancy Shoes (formerly “Creepy Sleeper”)* and asked if he’d pick me up in an hour [not wanting to be the first to leave the party]. He said he was too tired and rejected my proposal.

Not wanting to take a taxi [because Taxi’s are depressing], I replied to a friend** who had texted me earlier to see what he was up to. The friend who has earlier texted enthusiastically agreed to by My Ride. Perhaps a little too enthusiastically.

My Ride arrived to scoop me at around 9:15 [I think]. My Ride INSISTED, [seriously, I was pretty much held hostage] that since I was already in a drink-ie mood, we should stay out. Usually, I would be okay with such a proposal as drinking tends to make me want to drink more. But last night, I was tired, my head was a little achy from all the bubbly, I really wanted my bed and I was feeling a little down. But again My Ride kept pushing, until finally I gave in.

I thought a good compromise would be to go to a bar close to my house [Three Clubs] because that way, once I had my obligatory drink, I could ask that we leave easy/fast style. So at the bar, My Ride keeps prodding me about why I was down. I explained that I was not really down DOWN, but just maybe in a little bit of a pouty mood. At which point I guess My Ride thought a good way to make me feel better was to try to molest me at the bar.

Well, he didn’t molest me. But he did go in for a kiss. At which time I cried out, “what are you doing!!!???” Quickly he apologized and I thought that was the end of that. THEN, like ten minutes later he tried to put his hand up my dress. I promptly removed his hand and placed back on his knee. I guess he thought I was being coy because then he went in for ANOTHER kiss. At this point, I told him I wanted to go home. And he replied that if I wanted to go home, I could mossy on out. Alone.

So I did – and ended up walking home. It wasn’t that far [about a mile], but it really sucked. And I am/was really mad. And I cried. And I fully expected an apology by the morning, but alas, I have gotten none.

So the lessons I have learned from this experience are::

1:: Don’t drink too much champagne at an office party.

2:: If you do, be careful who you call.

3:: [Some] people kind of suck.

4:: Always pack a pair of flip flops because you never know when you will be walking home.

* Creepy Sleeper does not like to be called Creepy Sleeper. So as a courtesy to Creepy Sleeper, I am going to refer to him as Fancy Shoes instead. It was either that or Transformer (because of an alleged impending transformation) or just pain old D. I suspect that Fancy Shoes won’t like Fancy Shoes or Transformer or D. – but one must be chosen. I just want to be clear, Fancy Shoes is not intended to be insulting – it merely relates to the fact that he has lots of Fancy Shoes. Which is not a bad thing.

** This “friend” I speak of is a friend of one of my other friends who I met about a year ago at a party my original friend’s girlfriend was hosting. Once several months ago we got drunk and kissed, but not before or after such time has there been anything physical between us. So I get that maybe he thought that I was drunk dialing him to hook up [which I have never done before so I don’t know why he’d think that], but once it was clear that was not the case, why did he have to go on and be an asshole?

Oh god, and now it is the next afternoon and one of my favorite co-workers maybe just quit over a disagreement with another employee. [UPDATE:: The employee to whom I was referring to almost quiting is Work Troll!! Note, how I called her my “favorite” then.]

I want to go home and burrow.

Men may be the enemy.

I have always subscribed to the theory that woman are as bad as the men they date when it comes to deceiving, cheating, misleading or otherwise destroying relationships/other people. Personally, I know that for every instance I have complained about a guy blowing me off or otherwise “wronging” me, I have probably done the same thing to different person. But lately, I am starting to question whether women really are as bad as their male counterparts.

Cases in point::

1. Evil Troll and Her Evil Boyfriend:: This guy has now succeeded in successfully sleeping with or propositioning 100% of the women with whom Evil Troll has been closely associated over the last year. Arguably, Evil Troll deserves it. However, as far as I know, Evil Troll has been faithful to Her Evil Boyfriend. I think this means that Her Evil Boyfriend is actually more evil than Evil Troll. The thought makes me shudder.

2. Person I use to work with::
At the sweatshop at which I was previously employed, there is a woman who is phenomenal. Always positive, non-shit talking, funny and supa-smart. She had been married to a guy for about eight years [I totally made that up, I have no idea how long they have been married] and has two children with him [this part is true]. Recently, she has discovered that the bastard had been cheating. And not just a little. I was floor – FLOORED – when I heard about this. And sadly, so was she.

3. Guy my New Roommate is dating::
This guy, as far as I know, has not been cheating. He has however, managed over the course of 1.5 months to morph from a clever fun to be around guy into a controlling ass-wipe Aloof-Cool Guy [for those of you that don’t know, “aloof-cool guy” is its own category of man – described below]. The fact they he has spiraled down so far in so short a time is alarming.

4. Guy my Old Friend S. dates:: I have mentioned this situation previously, but he is still totally running around behind her back. She is kind of an idiot for letting it happen, but still, can’t blame the victim ya’ll!

5. Guy my NY Bestie told me about::
NY Bestie has a friend who just broke up with her boyfriend of a lot of years after catching him text messaging and phone calling with strippers. They had just moved in together no less! I am a reasonable person who thinks that flirting is ok in a relationship, but there is no reason a boyfriend should be text messaging and talking on the phone with strippers. We are not talking about friends of his who happen to be strippers [which would be ok]. We are talking about strippers who he knows by virtue of his frequenting strip clubs [which is not ok].

And there are more current goings on of guys misbehaving amongst my friends that I don’t even want to get into. But the point is, WTF fellas? What do you have to say for yourselves?

I hope that I am wrong about guys. Especially since I can’t seem to stop liking em. I would like to think that any future relationships I have are not doomed as the cases above seem to suggest.

This might warrant another Highly Scientific Experiment.

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The “aloof-cool guy” is the guy that is super laid back, okay with everything, never gets mad, and is almost overly balanced. He is the kind of guy that says things like “it is what it is”. This sounds good, right? It is, unless you are a normal girl [read:: slightly neurotic], in which case you will take Aloof-Cool Guy’s demeanor and interpret it as not being interested in you. This will turn you into Needy Girlfriend who is always trying to get Aloof-Cool Guy to tell you/show you how much he cares. Aloof-Cool Guy will never give you such satisfaction because it is not in his nature. This will lead to infinitely circular conversations like the following::

Needy Girlfriend:: Do you want me to come?

Aloof-Cool Guy:: I want you to come if you want to.

Needy Girlfriend:: I only want to come if you want me to come.

Aloof-Cool Guy:: Well, if you want to come, just come.

etc., etc., etc.

It is a dark ugly road ladies, watch out. I have seen it too many times. The main problem with Aloof-Cool Guys is that they typically can’t accept that their behavior impacts other people. And even if you tell them, they think of it as your problem and not their problem.

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* To one particular guy who I suspect will read this, I am really sorry. I didn’t mean to be a jerk, I just kind of didn’t know what to say. I am still routing for you on the Elite front.

Do unto others blah blah blah.

Hodge, a reader and frequent commenter [thanks on both counts] pointed out in response to my last post, basically, that ignoring people ain’t cool.

And dense as I tend to be sometimes, I know that he is right and that I am being a bit [a lot?] of a bitch. If the tables were turned, I’d be really annoyed with Producer for just blowing me off [my general rule is after three or four dates, an explanation is owed if you stop talking to someone].

On one hand, I don’t really know what to say. Sure, I could say “Hey Producer, you are awesome. But I am back in rehab/too busy/have stomach flu/back with my old boyfriend, etc.” but all of that would be lies. And more so, I think he’d know that all of that would be lies. Not to suggest that if he didn’t know they were lies, it would be better. Just seems even more useless to tell a lie when everyone knows you are lying. Anyhoo.

On the other hand, I could write “Hey Producer, I don’t like you that much because you are not funny and kind of a bad kisser. So sorry, I don’t want to hang out again.” But that would be mean.

What is a girl to do?

Anyhow, you are right Hodge. I will try to be a better person next time around. I don’t need any bad dating karma, that’s for sure.

Also, to answer someone else’s question, Producer does not know of this blog. I wouldn’t be talking shit about his comedic/make out prowess if he did. I am not THAT mean.