Posts Tagged 'dating advice'

Overheard at my backyard BBQ

I hosted a BBQ this weekend for friends, family and a few randoms. One such random, a woman I will call Jane Doe Crazy told the following dating/female insanity tale::
Jane dated a guy on an off for some two years. During the course of these years, she broke up with him AT LEAST TEN TIMES!!! [Note:: After four break-up’s, perhaps one should stick a fork in it. Rule to live by.] She likened her ex-boyfriend to a booger that she simply could not flick off her finger. After their last break-up, she decided that the best thing for her to do to end the cycle was to find him a new gal. [Note:: The best way to end the cycle is to just end the fucking cycle already! Perhaps easier said than done…but by break-up five or six or seven or eight…grow some self restraint Ladies!!!].
Jane then did what no self-respecting ex-girlfriend would do:: She posted a Craigslist ad on behalf of her ex asking the Ladies of the Interwebs to take him off her hands. She read us this ad, and it was just about as batshit as you could expect…and loooong. She mostly touts the ex’s good qualities [bedroom skills, well-endowed, kind, sweet, gentle and generous (these qualities all seem somehow related)] but then filled in the rest with non-veiled jabs about all the ways in which her ex failed her [he is a big democrat – apparently this is a really bad thing].
At this point I am thinking:: What the eff? This chick clearly is in luurve with the her ex still. This will end badly.
It turned out, one lonely Lady of the Interwebs saw this ad and was intrigued. What’s more, Jane’s boyfriend was intrigued back. So Jane’s ex ended up going out on a date with the woman Jane found him via an angry CL revenge ad.
Oh, but wait! It gets better!!!
Several weeks pass, and Jane and her ex are not back together. Jane decided at this point that she must return his stuff at once! [Note:: Ladies, if you have dated a guy for a longish period of time, you can totally keep the “stuff”. You’ve earned it. Also, said “stuff” can not under ANY CIRCUMSTANCE be used as an excuse to see the ex.] She packs up his junk and heads over to his place unannounced. Upon her arrival, she reports that she hears “the giggling of some vapid girl” and so she leaves his stuff on the doorstep and heads home. [Note:: OMG, Ladies, do NOT leave “stuff” on doorway and head home unless this was discussed ahead of time. So creepy. And also, if the “stuff” is so unimportant that it can be left on a Los Angeles doorstep, just throw/gift the shit away and move on.]
THEN – as if this isn’t bad enough – Jane remembered that her ex had some of her stuff that she. had. to. get. back. or. else. So what does she do? What any completely unreasonable semi-stalking ex-girlfriend would do:: she uses the key she still has of his to go to his house the following morning to retrieve her stuff…without telling him of course.
The following morning’s trespass revealed that Jane’s ex had a new woman in his life – and in his bed. And not just any woman, it was THE Lady of the Interwebs that Jane had found for him on craigslist. Upon making this discovery, Jane reported that she said “I really wish you two the best of luck,” tossed ex’s key at the Lady of the Interwebs and said “here, he will probably want you to have this,” laughed, finished retrieving her very. important. stuff. and then left.
The most astonishing part of all is that my fellow listeners seemed to think that this fiasco meant that ex is an ass, the Lady of the Interwebs a whore/bitch, and is Jane hilarious.
But really??!?! WTF. Jane’s ex is well within the Diet Coke Dating Rules to be dating someone else post break-up, never mind someone that Jane practically forced on him. Plus, the Lady of the Interwebs is not a bitch/whore merely for dating a man that once dated Jane!! I mean, gosh, she is just looking for love like the rest of us [granted, maybe in more unconventional places] AND AND AND, Jane used a key she ought not have kept to break into her ex’s house! How is this funny? If one of my ex’s came into my house unannounced to collect some possessions, I would call the po-po. And finally, why post an ad for an ex if you don’t want to the ex to date someone else??!?!?! HELLOOO?????
Lesson Learned:: If you ever come up with a cockamamie plan to get at your ex, remember:: STOP! NO!! DON’T DO IT!! THAT IS A BAD BAD BAD IDEA!!!  Because if you don’t, you will recount your cringe inducing tale to strangers at a BBQ and folks will think you are is nuts.
I leave you with a random awesome song:: Wild Sweet Orange – Ten Dead Dogs
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Do you want some advice?

Today, my sweet and well intentioned but complete twit of a roommate decided that in between her explaining to me about how she bought a pair of Gucci’s because they looked like Louboutins and her gushing about how well trained her dog is despite how he only poops on the floor [INSIDE OUR HOUSE] she was going to offer me some guidance about what kind of guy I should be dating.

Let’s pause for a moment and think about the person behind this dating advice:: My freshly divorced roomie [as in, divorce finalized last week] left behind her husband to come to Los Angeles to MOVE IN WITH her club owner “boyfriend” with whom she had spent a grand total of one weekend. And not just ANY weekend. Oh no! A weekend THREE years ago. Upon moving to LA, said club owner boyfriend promptly kicked my roomie and her floor pooping dog from his house. Since this time [four short months ago], roomie has carried on an affair with Evil Troll’s boyfriend, slept with Evil Troll’s boyfriend’s AA friend, and then met the “guy of her dreams” – a completely drug addicted doctor – who dumped her last week.

Any yet, she somehow sees herself as being in a position to give me dating advice. You know, because she really has it all figured out?

My advice on advice is that one’s advice should be kept to oneself unless such advice is solicited by another. And even then, one should consider whether they are the proper person to be giving advice on the topic at hand.

Hey, you asked!! Errr, or not.

Men may be the enemy.

I have always subscribed to the theory that woman are as bad as the men they date when it comes to deceiving, cheating, misleading or otherwise destroying relationships/other people. Personally, I know that for every instance I have complained about a guy blowing me off or otherwise “wronging” me, I have probably done the same thing to different person. But lately, I am starting to question whether women really are as bad as their male counterparts.

Cases in point::

1. Evil Troll and Her Evil Boyfriend:: This guy has now succeeded in successfully sleeping with or propositioning 100% of the women with whom Evil Troll has been closely associated over the last year. Arguably, Evil Troll deserves it. However, as far as I know, Evil Troll has been faithful to Her Evil Boyfriend. I think this means that Her Evil Boyfriend is actually more evil than Evil Troll. The thought makes me shudder.

2. Person I use to work with::
At the sweatshop at which I was previously employed, there is a woman who is phenomenal. Always positive, non-shit talking, funny and supa-smart. She had been married to a guy for about eight years [I totally made that up, I have no idea how long they have been married] and has two children with him [this part is true]. Recently, she has discovered that the bastard had been cheating. And not just a little. I was floor – FLOORED – when I heard about this. And sadly, so was she.

3. Guy my New Roommate is dating::
This guy, as far as I know, has not been cheating. He has however, managed over the course of 1.5 months to morph from a clever fun to be around guy into a controlling ass-wipe Aloof-Cool Guy [for those of you that don’t know, “aloof-cool guy” is its own category of man – described below]. The fact they he has spiraled down so far in so short a time is alarming.

4. Guy my Old Friend S. dates:: I have mentioned this situation previously, but he is still totally running around behind her back. She is kind of an idiot for letting it happen, but still, can’t blame the victim ya’ll!

5. Guy my NY Bestie told me about::
NY Bestie has a friend who just broke up with her boyfriend of a lot of years after catching him text messaging and phone calling with strippers. They had just moved in together no less! I am a reasonable person who thinks that flirting is ok in a relationship, but there is no reason a boyfriend should be text messaging and talking on the phone with strippers. We are not talking about friends of his who happen to be strippers [which would be ok]. We are talking about strippers who he knows by virtue of his frequenting strip clubs [which is not ok].

And there are more current goings on of guys misbehaving amongst my friends that I don’t even want to get into. But the point is, WTF fellas? What do you have to say for yourselves?

I hope that I am wrong about guys. Especially since I can’t seem to stop liking em. I would like to think that any future relationships I have are not doomed as the cases above seem to suggest.

This might warrant another Highly Scientific Experiment.

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The “aloof-cool guy” is the guy that is super laid back, okay with everything, never gets mad, and is almost overly balanced. He is the kind of guy that says things like “it is what it is”. This sounds good, right? It is, unless you are a normal girl [read:: slightly neurotic], in which case you will take Aloof-Cool Guy’s demeanor and interpret it as not being interested in you. This will turn you into Needy Girlfriend who is always trying to get Aloof-Cool Guy to tell you/show you how much he cares. Aloof-Cool Guy will never give you such satisfaction because it is not in his nature. This will lead to infinitely circular conversations like the following::

Needy Girlfriend:: Do you want me to come?

Aloof-Cool Guy:: I want you to come if you want to.

Needy Girlfriend:: I only want to come if you want me to come.

Aloof-Cool Guy:: Well, if you want to come, just come.

etc., etc., etc.

It is a dark ugly road ladies, watch out. I have seen it too many times. The main problem with Aloof-Cool Guys is that they typically can’t accept that their behavior impacts other people. And even if you tell them, they think of it as your problem and not their problem.

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* To one particular guy who I suspect will read this, I am really sorry. I didn’t mean to be a jerk, I just kind of didn’t know what to say. I am still routing for you on the Elite front.

Do unto others blah blah blah.

Hodge, a reader and frequent commenter [thanks on both counts] pointed out in response to my last post, basically, that ignoring people ain’t cool.

And dense as I tend to be sometimes, I know that he is right and that I am being a bit [a lot?] of a bitch. If the tables were turned, I’d be really annoyed with Producer for just blowing me off [my general rule is after three or four dates, an explanation is owed if you stop talking to someone].

On one hand, I don’t really know what to say. Sure, I could say “Hey Producer, you are awesome. But I am back in rehab/too busy/have stomach flu/back with my old boyfriend, etc.” but all of that would be lies. And more so, I think he’d know that all of that would be lies. Not to suggest that if he didn’t know they were lies, it would be better. Just seems even more useless to tell a lie when everyone knows you are lying. Anyhoo.

On the other hand, I could write “Hey Producer, I don’t like you that much because you are not funny and kind of a bad kisser. So sorry, I don’t want to hang out again.” But that would be mean.

What is a girl to do?

Anyhow, you are right Hodge. I will try to be a better person next time around. I don’t need any bad dating karma, that’s for sure.

Also, to answer someone else’s question, Producer does not know of this blog. I wouldn’t be talking shit about his comedic/make out prowess if he did. I am not THAT mean.

Rules of Engagement.

People in glass houses should not throw stones. That I know. I also know that I am pretty much Captain Google Stalker. I mean, I am a freakin black belt jedi master at it. You tell me two digits of a person’s social security number and their shoe size and I will tell you every web site they visited and/or thought about since 1997. [Don’t get scared. I am not internet stalking YOU of course].

But everyone knows there are RULES when it comes to internet stalking. Actually, just one rule.

Rule::
We all do it, but it is not to be discussed. Like, almost ever. Seriously. Bad idea.

I bring this up because of a guy I dated a month or so ago (the “Producer”). We went on around five dates. Producer was nice. Producer was cute. Producer was also horribly boring. I mean, not funny. At all! I can’t have that. So anyhow, I used the “fade out” on him. You know, where you slowly make yourself unavailable, become slightly less agreeable, take longer to return msgs, etc. I have not heard from him for about two weeks, making me believe that my master plan had worked. UNTIL…I get a myspace message from Producer on Friday.

“You still around?” it reads.

I do not reply because 1) what the hell kind of stupid question is that [where might I have gone?], 2) why is this joker sending me myspace messages when he can call/text/email, and 3) because I don’t like him. Mostly because I don’t like him. Ok, 100% because I don’t like him.

Then yesterday, Producer sends me an email to tell me that he KNOWS I read his message and he wants to know why I didn’t reply. And then reason he KNOWS that I read his message is because myspace tells you when someone reads your message.

Sending me a myspace message to see if I will read and reply so that you can settle once and for one whether I still want to see you or not is a little lame, but somewhat understandable. However, bringing it up is creepy. Worse yet, he has sent me a third message, that I am afraid to even check.

A total violation the e-stalkers code. Also probably a sign that I need to bid my myspace account farewell.

I have officially exhausted the LA dating scene.

I mentioned before that I was starting this crazy new fitness thing [CrossFit]. CrossFit is not in itself crazy, but it is crazy for someone like me, given that I am a slothful ball of lazy. Anyhow, fitness craze #2 for the month of May 2008 began today. All went well[ish]. I made it official and signed a contract committing myself to TWO workouts a week, each beginning at 6’o mother effing clock in the a.m. Feeling slightly giddy from my workout this morning [it is not clear why], which I pretty much sucked at, I went to work [truthfully, I stopped at starbucks first and got a gigante iced coffee, and THEN I went to work*] and hopped onto the gym’s blog which prominently features a group photo from their last event.

And what do I find smack dab in the middle of said photo? My life being what it is, I spy a guy I once dated. “Dated” may be a bit strong, as we went on a single “meh” date. There was, however, making-out involved, causing any future encounter with this person to be potentially awkward. Whats more, thinking back on our date, I do recall Fitness Guy telling me he did this bizarre workout thing that involved pull-ups and a rowing machine in the mornings that he loved. Lo and behold, it happens to CrossFit. I really really hope that I don’t run into him, and that if I do, that he does not remember me. But given my luck, I WILL run into him, he WILL remember me, and he WILL totally think that I am stalking him.

Universe:: 34
Diet Coke:: 0

I think I need to move to a new city, there is no safe place for me anymore in Los Angeles.

In other news, I broke down and had my first Diet Coke in seven days. And it was every bit as delicious as I remember. Oh Diet Coke [the beverage, not to the blogger], I love you so.

And in yet more news, I purchased the most brilliant dress for a wedding I am going to be attending on July 3. And with the arrival of said dress comes Operation Wedding Hotness. OWH merely requires that Hot Wedding Dress still fit me come the day of the event. This seems doable, even for me.

* Iced Coffee with “Energy,” actually. Misnomer. Did not provided me with any energy. It did, however, cost be an extra fifty cents.

Bad things.

I do not like the following::

1:: The phrase “it is what it is.” Yes, it is. But, must we really have a saying stating as such? And must people use it with such frequency and self satisfaction? Next time someone tells me something is what it is, I am going to say:: “Potatoes will always be potatoes.” Because, they will, you know? Just like it is what it is. And I am who I am. And I arrived when I arrived. And I ate what I ate. And then I left when I did.

2:: Securities Exchance Commission. I do not like you.

3:: That my New Roommate’s ringtone on her phone is a song. And further that the song is one by Akon. And further yet that the song contains the lyric “hundred dollar bills ya’ll.” And I don’t mean in jest.

4:: Text messages as a means of substantive conversation. I can hang with text messages for simple communication, drunked flirtation, sober flirtation, and “just wanted to say hi” kind of nonsense. But, please. Please. Please. Please. Do not try to convey important things to me via text.

5:: People who pretend (mostly boys in my case) that they do not know you when they CLEARLY do. This just happened to me a few days ago. There is a certain guy whose parents are friends with my family. I have known him for about a million years and see him at least three times a year. We aren’t friends per se, but we are friendly. And he totally asked me out once. I see the guy at a family get together this past weekend, and he literally said “Hi, nice to meet you.” This makes him either (a) exceedinly stupid, or (b) exceedingly pathetic. Either way, I don’t like it.

6:: Running out of popcorn. One should never, ever run out of popcorn.

7:: Sunday, 8:53 p:: I have done extensive studies, and it is proven that 8:53 p is the WORST. TIME. EVER. It is at this time that you realize the weekend is over and Monday is looming. Sunday, 8:53 p is the inverse of Friday 6:00 p.